Thanksgiving Eve

It's Thanksgiving Eve, and I'm nestled up by the fireplace at our family's house in Lake Tahoe.  We escaped here for five days with our girls, my Mom, and my Uncle.  This is the first ever Thanksgiving meal that Chad and I will prepare.  Wow, we've gotten off the hook for 15 years!

That's because traditionally, we have spent Thanksgiving in Fullerton, with the Suich family.  But, this year is different.  About 7 months ago, our family dynamic changed drastically when my Mom's marriage of 18 years ended suddenly and unexpectedly.  So, this year, we get to make new memories and start new traditions. 

It's bittersweet, and I am full of both gratitude and lingering anger.  God knows there is healing still needed in my heart, and that my holding onto resentment feels like tangible retribution even though that is not my place or right.  But tomorrow, we will sit around the table and talk about what we are thankful for.  And it is on my heart tonight to choose gratitude, even in the midst of the different and unfamiliar.     

I am grateful for my Mom.  While she isn't the only wonderful woman in my life to get that title, our relationship is deep and real and true.  She knows me inside and out, and there are no secrets between us.  That kind of vulnerability and love is rare.  Her strength inspires me, encourages me, and often sustains me.  She consistently overcomes tragedy with wisdom and grace and a bigger heart on the other side.  She is flawed but authentic.  She loves freely, without judgment, and is not afraid to risk her heart.  She's having a difficult time, but she still shows up -- ever full of love for her family and friends.

I am grateful for my beautiful girls.  This morning I woke up before Tess did, so I got out of bed and went to her room and crawled in bed with her.  I just wanted to be close to her.  I laid next to her and groggily tried to thank God for this precious gift I've been given...and I know he understands and appreciates what I cannot articulate.  The experience of having children is absolutely, mind-blowingly amazing -- far beyond what anyone described to me or could have made me understand even five years ago.  On an almost daily basis, I feel I cannot possibly deserve the beauty and magnificence of their presence in my life, to love and care for and (hopefully) guide into successful adulthood.  Tess is like the bow of a ship -- plunging me forward into motherhood, cutting through the still water or the whitecaps, whatever the weather may be.  While she shows me what is ahead, Kate is bringing up the rear -- somehow grounding me in motherhood and giving me the patience and confidence to stay the course and steer the ship, so to speak.  I've got two counting on me now, and my heart has expanded to depths previously unknown.  These girls are truly my purpose and my reason for each day and its decisions/actions. 

I am grateful for Chad.  He has endured MUCH with me over the years as I have struggled to find myself, and he continues to make me feel more loved and secure (and secure in myself) as the years go by.  Also, there is nothing like seeing your girls idolizing your husband, and falling in love with the father he has become.  I could not have hand-picked a better dad for these girls.  

I am grateful for my career.  There are many close to me who just can't understand what this piece of my life means.  I believed 15 years ago that my job at PrideStaff was intended for me, and this was re-confirmed for me 2 years ago when I returned to work after my brief hiatus as a full-time stay-at-home mom.  It is God-given -- to bless our family, to enlarge and mature me, and so that I may be a light and encouragement to others.  Mostly, I believe it's about what I get to do for others.  Many days I feel like I fail miserably at living out this "calling" (for lack of a better word...it's late) but I never feel like the investment I make there is without significant return.  At my best, I can teach people some things and make them feel valued; at my worst, I try to at least be authentic and learn from my mistakes, even if it's in front of others.  

I am keenly aware that I am blessed beyond measure.  I don't deserve it, knowing the depths of my heart like I do.  None of us deserve it.  But its ours, anyway...and so when I catch myself in awe of what has been entrusted to me, I am tempted to feel anxious but instead focus on gratitude.  Help me, God, to be a good steward of everything you've entrusted to me.  Clearly you think I can handle it, even if I feel like I mess it up a lot of the time.  Thank you for your belief in me.  Please continue to make me humble, mindful, grateful, and full of love for you and yours.  

Thoughts On Hospitality

Life as I know it these days constantly prevents me from doing what I wish I could be doing.  As a task-oriented, unwillingly-reformed perfectionist, I'm not talking about lying on a beach somewhere.  In all honestly, I very quickly go nuts when I can't be crossing items off some kind of list.  And by nuts I mean irritable, resentful, and withdrawn from people and the world in general.  So while I have been thinking the past few weeks about what love looks like, I've still been a servant of my to-do lists.  Why? Because it's what I know...productivity and achievement.  It feels GOOD because it's tangible.  And, if I'm honest, it saves me from going outside my comfort zone when I really just don't want to.  There is so much going on inside my comfort zone that I can't really get excited about what's not right in front of me! 

 

And then, in church, I was struck again...I don't even remember how it came to mind, but I was led to two passages that admonished me -- I am not meant to live this life inside myself (my own ambitions and goals, my own agenda, my own fears and insecurities), or inside my house (trying to keep it perfect), or inside my immediate family (keeping my emotional distance from the people God has put in my life).  When all is said and done, what point is there in having a clean house when you're not sharing your life with anyone? Or having all of your life's proverbial "ducks" in a row, but without anyone really knowing your heart or seeing any light in you?

 

Again, from the Amplified Bible...with what really applies to me in bold...

 

Romans 12:5-16 (excerpted):

"So we, numerous as we are, are one body in Christ, and individually we are parts of one another (mutually dependent on one another).  Having gifts (faculties, talents, qualities) that differ according to the grace given us, let us use them...He whose gift is practical service, let him give himself to serving; he who teaches, to his teaching; he who (encourages), to his (encouragement); he who contributes, let him do it in simplicity and liberality; he who gives and superintends, with zeal and singleness of mind; he who does acts of mercy, with genuine cheerfulness and joyful eagerness.  Let your love be sincere (a real thing)...Love one another with brotherly affection (as members of one family), giving precedence and showing honor to one another...Contribute to the needs of God's people (sharing in the necessities of the saints); pursue the practice of hospitality...Rejoice with those who rejoice (sharing others' joy) and weep with those who weep (sharing others' grief).  Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to (people, things) and give yourself to humble tasks.  Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits."

 

1 Peter 4:8-11 (excerpted):

"Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins (forgives and disregards the offenses of others).  Practice hospitality to one another....Be hospitable, be a lover of strangers, with brotherly affection for the unknown guests, the foreigners, the poor, and all others who come your way who are of Christ's body.  And in each instance do it ungrudgingly (cordially and graciously, without complaining...).  As each of you has received a gift (a particular spiritual talent, a gracious divine endowment), employ it for one another as befits good trustees of God's many-sided grace (faithful stewards of the extremely diverse powers and gifts granted to Christians by unmerited favor).  Whoever speaks, let him do it as one who utters oracles of God; whoever renders service, let him do it as with the strength which God furnishes abundantly, so that in all things God may be glorified..."

 

What I need to be better at:

--Flexibility; that is, not getting bent out of shape when my day's (or week's) agenda is derailed by the needs of others

--Practicing hospitality of heart...not just opening my home, but being willing to share with others in need of light, encouragement, hope, etc.

--Not using hospitality of home as an excuse to serve my to-do list (I have people coming over so I get to be a cleaning tyrant [at the expense of my family]!)

--Relying on others, and being available for others to rely on me (using the gifts I have been given)

--Genuinely connecting with people even when I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide
--Doing all of this "with the strength which God furnishes abundantly," instead of only relying on my limited and self-serving supply

Hospitality is the word that keeps ringing in my ears.  As I finish this post, I'm reminded that one of the blogs I follow, "The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking," is running a 30-day series on hospitality.  I've been reading it with pangs of guilt that I am so wrapped up in my own stuff, all the time, that I don't do much of anything hospitable -- often because I won't be able to make it "perfect" -- when sometimes the simplest gestures will speak volumes to others.  And in the last few days I have really felt compelled to open my home (and my heart) more.  Maybe that's what inspired these thoughts...

Pardon me while I cross "post to the blog" off my list and get busy working on these re-discovered truths...God knows I am a work in progress!

 

Thoughts On Love

So many modern-day "proverbs" capture the concerns that plague my mind most days.  And they're all pinned to my Pinterest boards, waiting for me to change my life -- my thinking, my diet, my habits -- in a hundred different ways.  I have them filed as "Inspirational," but taken together they are actually pretty depressing...it would take a LOT of work (and time, energy I don't have) to makeover my life to look like the "highlight reels" I see in my online social networking circles everyday.

 

These two are front of mind for me today:

 

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

"Expectation is the root of all heartache."

 

And then this one creeps in...it's not on my "Inspirational" board, but it's replaying in my mind the more I think about all the changes Pinterest wants me to make in my life:

 

"Love never fails."

 

A few weeks ago during church I went back to that very popular and over-quoted passage, 1 Corinthians 13.  I was reading in the Amplified Bible and I've even read this passage in this version before, but this time it hit me between the eyes.  I haven't been able to stop coming back to it since: love.

 

The passage is below with the bold type and notes in blue added by me -- these are the parts that really struck me. 

 

1 Corinthians 13 (excerpts from the Amplified Bible)

 

And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

 

Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing.

 

Love isn't just cultivating "loving feelings" about my life or the people I associate with.  God knows that is so hard for me on a daily basis! Without "God's love in me," as the source, I'm a nobody and earn nothing of value -- even if I mastered all of the inspiration that Pinterest has to offer.

 

And here is what this love -- "God's love in me" -- looks like in practice.  Toward my family, my friends, my boss, my coworkers, and even acquaintances and strangers. Yes, even toward myself.

 

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious*, does not display itself haughtily**.

 

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

 

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

 

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].  Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].
 

*Vainglory -- "Excessive pride over one's achievements or abilities; boastful vanity."

**Haughty -- "Disdainfully proud or arrogant."

 

 Love is the answer.  How cliché does that sound?  As cliché as the little sayings I'm collecting on Pinterest, honestly.  The love that I love with is so flawed, so fickle, so weak, and so self-centered.   It fails constantly. But this passage isn't about MY love, it's about the truest LOVE there is.  This is the LOVE that lives in me, behind my own feeble attempts, and it is the LOVE that should be showing through.  Talk about inspirational!  Maybe, just maybe, I need to spend less time looking for inspiration on Pinterest and more time focused on LOVE. 

 

Goodbye, Grandma Vida

Grandma Vida on her last
birthday - St. Patrick's Day 2013

In April, we said goodbye to Chad's wonderful grandmother, Vida Lee Hayden.  What a wonderful woman she was!  We were so glad that she could spend the final few of her 92+ years here in Clovis (after years and years of trying to convince her to relocate from Bakersfield).  We had a small family memorial service for her at Belmont Gardens in June, attended by just a handful of family and close friends.  It was a nice time of remembrance, and Chad was glad he could assist with putting Grandma's ashes in their final resting place.  We will miss Grandma but we know she is in a much better place!  I'm grateful for all the wonderful heirlooms given to me over the past few years, which will remind me of her sweet and spunky spirit.  We love you, Grandma Vida!

 

      
 

 

 



Be Thou My Vision

For as long as we can remember, my mom (Melody), aunt (Debbie), cousin (Valerie) and I have wanted to sing together.  Not just anything -- we wanted to prepare something special and perform it.  And this past weekend, we finally got our chance!  After a few months of practicing together when we could, we pulled off a beautiful a capella arrangement of "Be Thou My Vision" and sang it for the Sunday service at Reedley MB Church.  While the service is available to view on the church's website, it doesn't do our performance justice.  I was really tempted to be nervous, singing in front of the whole congregation, but I made sure that I knew my part like the back of my hand and focused on blending with the voices of the women next to me, and while it wasn't perfect, it was a beautiful offering.  We hope to be able to sing it together again....someday!

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Crash!

The Escape before they towed it away. It was a little sad to say
goodbye to this car -- so many fun memories!  It's the car
we brought Tess home from the hospital in, too.

Last week Chad was involved in a pretty serious car crash.  There is NEVER a good time for something like this to happen!  He was driving north on Clovis Ave. when a large Chevy 3500 pickup truck pulled out in front of him (Chad was behind a delivery truck and the other driver's view was obscured).  He had no time to stop and CRASH! Our car was totaled. Thank God for airbags, both of which deployed successfully, leaving Chad with very minor injuries: a small cut on his head, a fat lip, and a very stiff/swollen/sore knee.  Although the other driver was determined to be at fault, we are still $1800 into unreimbursed expenses, pending discussions with the other driver's insurance and receipt of checks for our loss vehicle, various reimbursements, and whatever settlement we are offered.

 

This has been a hugely inconvenient experience for us, but what are you going to do. We are grateful that Chad wasn't severely injured, that Tess wasn't in the car, and that we are able to borrow a vehicle from family until we get the money we're owed and can find a new car....we were eventually planning to get something a little bigger, anyway!

"As A Child Enters The World"

I happened upon this poem on Facebook, in the context of a friend's son praying this blessing over his newly arrived baby.  It's just so beautiful and I think it captures how I have felt when I ponder the mystery of a the "veil parting" when a new soul enters this world. 



As a Child Enters the World
~ John O'Donohue ~

As I enter my new family,
May they be delighted
At how their kindness
Comes into blossom.

Unknown to me and them,
May I be exactly the one
To restore in their forlorn places
New vitality and promise.

May the hearts of others
Hear again the music
In the lost echoes
Of their neglected wonder.

If my destiny is sheltered,
May the grace of this privilege
Reach and bless the other infants
Who are destined for torn places.

If my destiny is bleak,
May I find in myself
A secret stillness
And tranquility
Beneath the turmoil.

May my eyes never lose sight
Of why I have come here,
That I never be claimed
By the falsity of fear
Or eat the bread of bitterness.

In everything I do, think,
Feel, and say,
May I allow the light
Of the world I am leaving
To shine through and carry me home.

Goodbye Aunt Mary Jane

Randy and MJ at their 50th wedding
anniversary celebration in June. 
 She still fit into her wedding dress!

I wasn't sure what I wanted to say about this sad news, if anything, but then I remembered that (hopefully) Tess will read this someday. So, with that in mind, here is a small tribute to a woman whose presence in this world was truly "larger than life."

My dear Aunt Mary Jane Watson passed away on November 5th. It was somewhat of a surprise and thus it has felt like a shock to our family. About a year ago she was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her pancreas, which was successfully removed, and then she completed a course of chemotherapy. By the time of her 50th wedding anniversary with my Uncle Randy this past summer, we all thought she was "in the clear" and the family celebration was such a time of rejoicing. Then we got word in mid-September that the cancer had returned....and by mid-October she was headed toward in-home hospice. The end came so quickly, and yet she survived pancreatic cancer longer than most do. This isn't the place to talk about how purely evil cancer is, although that has been top of mind for me lately since many people I know are fighting it in some form. Instead I want to share who Mary Jane was.

Aunt MJ is in so many of my childhood memories; it feels like she was essentially the backbone at any Watson family get-together. She made sure people were fed and comfortable and happy. Her amazing bean dip and her famous cranberry pudding (served during the holidays) sustained us as we talked, sang, and played together. I loved visiting their home when I was little. Downstairs there was a room with a computer (we didn't have one) where my boy cousins (her sons) taught me how to play "Spy Hunter," my first-ever video game. In their living room, we spent many Christmases with far-away family who had come to visit (often my beloved girl cousins), opening presents around the large tree. And thoughts of MJ will always remind me of her beloved four-legged companions: first there was Bitsy, then Biscuit, and finally Sarge. These dogs were devoted to her on a level I haven't seen with anyone else, and the feeling was definitely mutual.

In most of my memories of Aunt Mary Jane, she is standing at her sink (like most homes, her kitchen was the "hub" of all family gatherings) or working in someone else's kitchen. She was the person who gave it her all behind the scenes, was constantly working on behalf of other people, and did it quietly, not expecting recognition. Even as recently as my baby shower a couple of years ago, she came up to Reedley from Thousand Oaks and spent the entire event helping "backstage" when she had not been asked or expected to do so. As much as I would have enjoyed having her in the audience, playing the games and watching the gifts being opened, it's not who she was. No -- she was a servant, in the highest sense of the word.



MJ the award-winning equestrian.

While for me the essence of MJ was tied up in her homemaking and caring for her immediate and extended family, those outside our family knew her as an accomplished equestrian and a regular on horse show circuit in Southern California. In her kitchen, one whole wall was devoted to MJ's blue ribbons from horse shows -- but her awards were not something she ever bragged about, because for her it was more about her love for horses. She was a long-standing board member at the Tri-Valley Horse Show Associaton and could most often be found at the "ranch" where she kept her horses and taught riding lessons. Her presence within the TVHSA was so deeply rooted, and she was so beloved by her friends and "horse family," that the organization is developing a special tribute in her honor. Titled "Devotion," the bronze statue pictured below (still in the works) will be a "traveling trophy" awarded for sportsmanship.



"Devotion"



My cousin Valerie also wrote a wonderful tribute to MJ on her blog, and I love this piece of it: "My Aunt Mary Jane is one of the strongest people I know, she doesn't take crap from anyone. She speaks up for herself and for others, speaking the truth in wisdom. She loves deeply and takes care of the people around her. She is practical and hard-working, doing whatever it takes to get the job done. She is welcoming and hospitable, opening her arms and home to friends and strangers. She is humble, never seeking praise for the work of her hands, but always doing the grunt work that no one else wants to do. She is orderly, keeping track of dates and deadlines, and making sure everything is in its proper place. She values the important things in life, and doesn't worry about things that don't really matter. She lets you know when you're being ridiculous, and scolds you when you're being really ridiculous. She is an excellent listener, giving advice and encouragement. My Aunt Mary Jane is one of the best people you could ever meet and I will miss her greatly!"

With one of her beloved horses,
"My Provider."

Last week, the whole Watson family (minus a few in other states who have small children and couldn't travel) gathered at Randy and Mary Jane's for Thanksgiving. While it was a wonderful meal, it was also bittersweet. For me, her absence engulfed the day, and despite feeling her in every room and seeing her things all over the house, she was just...not there. I have lost loved ones before, but as I get older (and since becoming a parent)  it seems that I feel things much more deeply. And this just feels like such a dramatic loss to our family -- not that any of us is more important than any other, but my heart just aches for the gaping hole that is left behind. There is a giant chasm where MJ used to be. She was such a strong woman, with such a quiet yet formidable presence, that it's incomprehensible to me she is not coming back. In a sense it feels like she is on an extended vacation or surely that she is alive and well in some other part of the world, but instead she has physically just vanished. I am filled with sadness for her husband, her sons and daughters-in-law, and her grandchildren especially.

What can possibly fill the gigantic void that her departure leaves? Hope. As big as the loss is, so is the knowledge that she IS alive and well, in a place where she is getting to be exactly what God initially intended for her to be, and that we will see her again someday. Our family will be reunited in its entirety, in a new place where things like cancer and physical death and separation don't exist and can't even be remembered. Shortly after MJ realized that she would not recover from her illness, she picked out these verses to meditate on, and shared them with her family and friends. They were also read at her memorial service:

Uncle Randy didn't know when
this photo was taken but it looks
very recent.

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.  Therefore encourage one another with these words." ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

I'm so  grateful for the last visit we had with Aunt Mary Jane in late September. She got to spend time with Tess, and I got to hug her and tell her that I love her.  Saying she was a wonderful person to know can't possibly do justice to her. And so I hope that anyone who reads this will feel like they know her a little bit, too, and will see a glimpse the amazing person that she was.

The Truth About Disapproval

I am such a people pleaser. The older I get and the more I learn about myself, I realize that this one aspect of my personality can easily color how I see the world and how I function in all of my relationships (marriage, friendships, family, work life, etc.). 

I don't think wanting to make people happy is a bad thing.  I really LOVE to be a good friend, a good employee, a good wife/mother/daughter...and it feels wonderful to truly bless people in word and deed.

The people-pleasing thing I'm talking about, though, is more of the kind that, if left unchecked, keeps me in fear of others' disapproval, and prevents me from being true to myself for fear of what people may think of me.  While I do think it's important to be responsible in our outward conduct and considerate of other peoples' feelings and beliefs, this kind of people-pleasing is no good.  I'm trying to recognize it and conquer it, by reminding myself of some important truths:

1) I'm a grownup now.  That means I get to be ME, and I don't ever need to apologize for or be ashamed of who I am.  (But why is it that's so easy to forget when I feel that just one person disapproves of something I've said or done?)

2) Decisions I make about how I live my life, how I raise my child, how I relate to my husband, etc. are MINE.  Nobody else gets to have unbridled commentary on my decisions until they have been inside my head and heart.  Well, they can try, but any opinions offered will always be utlimately uninformed and presumptuous.  God made us all different, and works in us differently, and speaks to us differently, and calls us to different things.  What's right for me, may not be right for you.  That statement is not about moral relativism, it's in reference to skill, preference, opportunity, etc. (But why do I sometimes I feel I need to justify myself to those who disagree with me?)

3) The truth about who I am is not found in others' thoughts or opinions about me.  The truth about who I am is between me and the God who created me, sustains me, and guides me through the blessed life he's given me.  (Then why can one slightly critical comment put a black cloud over my entire day?)

4) Ultimately, I am only accountable to God.  It's this accountability to God that keeps me honest in my conduct and my decisions and my relationships.  It's not about making other people happy; it's about living my life in a way that pleases my Creator and glorifies him for all that he has made me and given me. 

I could probably list more....and even as I reiterate these truths to myself, I try to justify the worry about what other people think by telling myself how powerful of a role perception plays in our society.  But even if I live the best life I know how to live, faithfully applying all of the knowledge and resources God has given me, there is just no way I can control what other people will think of me.  And if I spent all my time worrying about that, or only living in a way that impresses people or is guaranteed to win their approval, I am not being true to myself.  Because God has made me to be ME, not someone else's version of me.

All that being said, I do value input, advice, reminders, and even constructive criticism from those close enough to me to know details about my life. I don't ever want to be so wrapped up in myself that my heart is hard and I am not sensitive or open to wise counsel  I pray that when those conversations come, I have the patience to respond gracefully, not defensively.  But I do think there are appropriate ways for those close to us to provide this kind of input -- never in a threatening, manipulative, holier-than-thou way that makes the recipient feel manipulated or belittled.  This is where I am at risk of getting onto a soapbox, so I will digress.

Back to those truths about myself that I'm trying to remember: I wish we all could.  I think it would help us all keep our mouths shut when we are quick to make assumptions and judgements.  I'll never forget another important truth I learned a few years ago, from one of my favorite authors: "Judgement blocks love."

I'm writing this down because I want to be reminded of how important it is for my child(ren) to be true to themselves, and find their approval in the God  who made them (whose works are ALL good and beautiful) and not in what other people think about them. And I also want to remember how important it is to let others find their own way.  How do you teach this?  I'm hoping that I continue to learn it for myself so I can effectively pass it on to them. 

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galations 1:10

"Back To School Night" At New Harvest Church

This past week we got to attend the "Back to School Night" program for the children's program at New Harvest Church.  We were excited to participate because, even though Tess only attends two days a week,  we feel so blessed to be part of this place.  We just love Tess's teachers (and they love her, of course -- who doesn't?!) and we know we are so fortunate to bring her to NHCCC every week.  What a great gift God has given us, this place full of people who love to give and serve by caring for precious children and who will partner with us in teaching Tess about God and His word.  We are enjoying getting to know the staff and the other parents who bring their kiddos here!  Below are some pictures of Tess's classroom, her art projects (art for babies -- we love it!) and her sweet teachers. 

The Big ONE!

We had a wonderful time with friends and family celebrating our little Tess turning ONE!  Her party was on August 18th at the home of my amazingly generous and hospitable Aunt Debbie and Uncle Dick.  They have a gorgeous backyard and pool, as you'll see in the pics below!  It was HOT but not totally unbearable, and our guests enjoyed a light lunch, cake, swimming, and watching Tess open her presents.  We are so grateful to everyone who helped us with the party, from the planning and setup and hosting and serving to the tearing down and cleaning up! 

Some time ago we had the idea to incorporate a dedication ceremony into her first birthday party.  We wanted to do this because it's important to us that everyone who's important to us (and who we are important to) know how we intend to raise our child(ren): to have a personal relationship with God and an understanding of their eternal purpose, and to be a blessing to everyone they meet in word and deed.  Since we do not attend a typical/traditional church, we didn't have an automatic venue for this type of event.  We realized that all the people we'd want at her dedication were the same people we wanted at her party, so we combined the two.  While it was a short ceremony -- just 10 minutes or so at the beginning of the party -- it was packed with meaning.  We were so blessed to have my cousin Andy (who is also a pastor) lead, and the three of us prayed over Tess and also invited anyone in the audience to pray for her and/or speak a blessing over her.  Although she was squirmy and a little loud, we believe the words spoken over Tess made a mark on her and will play an important part in her upbringing!

I was so glad that the party turned out exactly like I'd planned, although it was pretty much exhausting!  It kinda felt like throwing a small-to-medium sized wedding, with the 80+ people who attended.  Needless to say I will not be hosting such a huge shindig every birthday, but it was a fun and memorable way to celebrate Tess's first year.

 

A special "thank you" goes to my dear friend Tiffany for taking all of the party pics!

 

2012 Western Christian Conference

Last weekend we ventured down South and waaay up high to Lake Arrowhead for the Western Christian Conference.  We headed out of town Thursday night and made a stopover in Fullerton, then finished up the drive on Friday morning.  We've attended the WCC sporadically over the past 8 years or so, but were excited to attend this year for 2 main reasons: 1) we got to show off our Tess to our "conference friends," and 2) we got to hear an amazing speaker, Stephen Kaung. 

The conference was held this year in Twin Peaks -- a tiny little town near Lake Arrowhead -- at the Calvary Chapel Conference Center there.  (This conference was held at Westmont College in Santa Barbara for years! We were so sad when a fire destroyed much of the campus there, and the conference had to be moved to another location.)  While we were there we also got to visit some old family friends, Bruce and Christa, who hadn't met Tess yet.  They hosted us in their beautiful mountain home for a delicious dinner.  On Sunday when the conference was over, we headed back to Fullerton to spend the afternoon and evening with our Suich family there.  We had a great time catching up with everyone and watching them play with our Tess.  "Grandma" got Tess to walk with holding just one hand, which means that official walking is not far behind!

Most of you probably know that we attend a very small church group, which is basically like a "home church." It was some of our church friends who introduced us to the Western Christian Conference, which they've been attending for more than 30 years.  Basically it's a gathering of individuals/families from church groups like ours from all over the U.S. (but mostly from the West coast) who have been coming to the conference (and thus have known each other) for years and years.  The conference runs Wednesday through Sunday, and each year there are 2 keynote speakers.   There are morning and evening ministry meetings, afternoon discussion groups, prayer meetings, and lots of free time to catch up with friends.  We've always found it to be so encouraging, restful, and FUN.  This time the dynamic was much different, having a baby there.  No late nights spent hanging out with friends -- we were in our room by 8:00 sharp, keeping quiet so Tess could sleep.  We still had a wonderful time -- it was great to see everyone (and have Tess be seen), breathe the fresh mountain air, and get a break from "real life" for a few days!  See below for pictures from our weekend.

Finding Refuge

This little sign that I made sits on our dining room table.  I had every intention of changing the message every week ~ a scripture, inspirational quote, etc.  Well, it hasn't changed since January... and thus, the message has sortof faded into the background of household miscellanea.  Until today, when I realized what it does NOT say:

It does not say:

• "Let all who take refuge in HOUSEWORK be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in THEIR TO-DO LIST be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in PRODUCTIVITY be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in DIET and EXERCISE be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in BEING SKINNY be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in SHOPPING be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in TELEVISION be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in FACEBOOK or PINTEREST be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in COFFEE be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in WINE be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in WHINE be glad!"

Insert your own substitute, but, as I continually re-discover, none of these things are the TRUE source of gladness (or even stress relief) in my life.  There is only one true Source of joy and peace, and it is in being in the presence of the Divine! So, I'm not changing the sign just yet.... since I continue to need this lesson on a daily basis!

Celebrating 65 Years ~ Happy Anniversary, Grandma & Grandpa!

This gorgeous portrait of my grandparents was created by my Uncle Mel,
their second child and youngest son.  He is so incredibly talented! 
Not only did he take the picture, he applied pastels and paints to make
the picture look so incredibly warm and realistic.   

Last weekend our extended family on my Dad's side got together to celebrate my grandparents' 65th wedding anniversary. (The official date was in March, but our party had to be postponed.) We had a wonderful dinner in my Aunt and Uncle's backyard while we enjoyed honoring Quentin and Fern for their many, many years together. Before the party, my Aunt had asked each family member to contribute a written memory or blessing that would be put into a photo album for Grandma and Grandpa. It was so neat to get to read everyone's special tributes. Here is my contribution....



It would be impossible to share all the many wonderful memories I have of my grandparents, and what an amazing thing that is! For as long as I can remember, they have been a strong and steady presence in my life. When I think of them, my heart fills with all of the feelings and emotions that go along with being "home." Being with Grandma and Grandpa has always meant fun, love, laughter, comfort, security, family, delicious food, and knowing that I am part of something incredibly special. That "something special" is bigger than our family and all the joy we have shared over the years -- it's the way that Grandma and Grandpa have filled their life so full of God's truth and love that it can't help but overflow into the lives of everyone they touch. They are, to me, everything that grandparents should be, and helped give so much love and fun and stability to me in my childhood. Some of my favorite memories of my grandparents are: swimming and playing with my cousins at their house, Grandma's "fried" chicken, looking through old photo albums at their house, taking a trip to Carmel with Lisa and Jennifer, getting tickled by Grandpa, hearing Grandpa's funny stories, hearing Grandpa talk about meeting and falling in love with Grandpa, having fashion shows and practicing "modeling" with Grandma, the scent of Grandma's hand lotion, and all the laughing we have done together. There is no way to put into words the impact they have had on my life, from the time I was a baby and even into my adulthood. Their legacy of love and faithfulness (to God, to each other, to our family) has been the foundation of our family for more than half a century. Happy Anniversary, Grandma & Grandpa ~ I love you from the bottom of my heart, and I am so proud to be part of your legacy. "Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me." ~ Ps. 16:6

Contribution on behalf of Tess.... I know it took a long time for Chad and I to finally start a family, but even before we were ready to be parents I prayed that God would make it possible for you to be a part of my child's life. Seeing my little baby girl being held by two of the most important people in my life gives a feeling of completeness that I can't really describe. I long for her to know you and have the kinds of memories with you that I do. When she is old enough I will have so many stories to share about my childhood days with Grandma and Grandpa....and my parents (her grandparents) certainly have a high standard to live up to! I intend to teach Tess about the foundation of love and faithfulness that you created for our family more than 65 years, and all the ways that you have influenced us. One of my most treasured possessions (well, really it belongs to Tess) is the set of watercolor pictures you (Grandma) painted for her nursery. I am so grateful that you would do something so special for both of us, and I will make sure she always keeps them safe.

Here are my pictures from the party.  It was so neat to watch the slide show that was shown for their 50th Anniversary, and see all the old pictures again. And the cake! It was so delicious. Almost as sweet as Quentin and Fern!

BSF With Tess

One of the really great things I've been able to do since I stopped working full-time is to attend BSF classes on Wednesdays (we meet from 9:00-11:00 at New Covenant Community Church).  BSF is Bible Study Fellowship -- something I've always been interested in but just couldn't fit into my schedule.  What I appreciate about BSF is the structure and depth it provides in studying the Bible.  Not everyone likes such "rigidity" (this is what people who don't like structure call structure) but I really thrive on having a specific plan to follow (and I won't lie; I get to use highlighters and take notes, just like in school -- and I'm a huge nerd in that way).  Here's a quick copy/paste of how it works:

The BSF systemThe BSF system of Bible study is highly organized and disciplined, and uses the technique of exegesis for expository study of the scriptures. BSF holds classes for men, women, children and young adults in 35 countries (2006). There are nearly 1000 classes worldwide. Classes for adult men and women are single-sex, though classes for children (toddlers and infants in Day Women's classes, and for Grades 1-12 in Evening Men's and Women's classes) and young adults (aged 18–35) are not. Each study lasts for approximately nine months, and over a eight-year cycle BSF classes cover Genesis, Romans, Matthew, Life of Moses, John, Isaiah, Israel and the Minor Prophets, and Acts of the Apostles. The BSF system involves four elements; daily questions to encourage personal Bible study, discussion groups (of up to 15 people) for sharing of personal answers to questions, a lecture by the class Teaching Leader covering the past week’s scripture with applications for daily living, and finally a set of notes reinforcing lessons from the previous week (plus a new set of questions for the week ahead). BSF classes and materials are provided free of charge.

Baby girl's BSF nametag.

I came into this year's class (Acts of the Apostles) a few months late, but I still have had a wonderful experience digging into the weekly lessons and getting to know the gals in my discussion group.  But what's been MOST exciting and rewarding about BSF is the opportunity for Tess to participate.  The children's program is phenomenal, and is designed to follow and complement the adult program.  In other words, the kids are learning the same lessons as the grownups, but in kid-sized chunks.  The organization also provides tools for parents to discuss and apply the week's lesson at home with the entire family.  I got to experience the children's classes first hand last month when I was assigned to help with the 2-year-olds.  I was extremely blessed and encouraged by what I saw, and so I'm really thrilled about the idea of Tess growing up in the BSF program.

This year's class finishes up May 23rd and we break for the Summer, then resume in September.  Next year we're studying Genesis!

 

Mom's First Christmas

Those of you who know me well, know that Christmas tends to be my least favorite holiday.  (I am not proud of it, but I'm being honest ~ and I won't spend time here getting into why.)  The "Christmas spirit" is generally late in warming up my heart, and usually it's not until Christmas Eve that I feel like I can relax and enjoy being "in the moment" of Christmas cheer and celebration ~ after having run myself ragged trying to keep up with the demands of the season. I've tried different techniques to thrust my heart into the holiday spirit earlier ~ like getting all my gifts purchased and wrapped early, or sending out my Christmas cards early ~ but I'm still left wanting a more genuine Christmas feeling in my heart.  Just the other day I was lamenting my Scrooge-ness to a friend, and said what was basically a quick, desperate prayer: "Maybe this year, with a baby, it will be different."

Well tonight I am home alone with my little Tess, waiting for Chad to finish up at a debate tournament, and I decided to see what kind of Christmas music I could find on Pandora.  (We don't even have our tree up yet ~ that's tomorrow ~ but out of nowhere, the mood struck!)  I had just given the baby a bath and put her in her warmest jammies, and had her cuddled up in my arms, when the most beautiful rendition of "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring" started playing. So I held my baby girl and we swayed to the music, and it happened ~ my heart filled up with Christmas.  With every song that played, even though they were all instrumental, the lyrics made me realize how amazingly awe-inspiring this time of year is for anyone who can understand the significance of the incarnation.  It's not about surviving the cards and shopping and wrapping and giving and the over-eating, it's about wonder and hope and new life ~ a new life that would save mankind.  I know this, but needed to learn it again.

My Tess became even more precious to me as I held her close to my heart and sang the Christmas songs to her tonight. And I can't wait to put up our tree tomorrow and show her the lights, and watch her look at them sparkle for the very first time.  Tonight reminds me that this business of God coming to earth as a little baby is about salvation, and also ~ just as importantly ~ about redemption.  This is what God has been doing since the beginning: redeeming.  And I am so grateful for a little bit of that redemption tonight, when my sweet baby girl helped restore true Christmas in my heart.

One last thought.... Never before on Christmas have I been able to identify with Mary.  As I was holding Tess tonight, who fits so perfectly in my arms and feels so warm and smells so sweet, and who has captivated me like nothing ever has before, I thought: what a special night that must have been for Mary, holding the precious baby Jesus and feeling such joy and anticipation about all that he would become. It reminded me of that beautiful song that says, "Mary did you know....that when you kiss your little baby, you've kissed the face of God?"  And in some small way, I feel like that sentiment is also true for me.

Sooo...."Joyeaux Noel" to all of you, from the bottom of my very full heart!

What child is this, who, laid to rest

On Mary's lap, is sleeping?

Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,

While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,

Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:

Haste, haste to bring him laud,

The Babe, the Son of Mary!

So bring Him incense, gold, and myrrh,

Come peasant king to own Him,

The King of kings, salvation brings,

Let loving hearts enthrone Him.