Teacher Appreciation Night

Last week Chad was picked by one of his students (on the girls' basketball team) to be recognized at "Teacher Appreciation Night," where select teachers were introduced during basketball game halftime and presented with an award by the student who nominated them.  Below is the script, written by his student, that was read when he was presented with the award.  Way to go, Mr. Hayden! 

"Mr. Hayden has made such an impact on my life.  He has helped me value my education by showing compassion for his students and his subject.  He is the most intelligent man I've ever met.  He is also an eloquent speaker who can capture anyone's attention.  I've learned that there is always an opportunity to learn and grow as an individual.  He has taught that there are more beautiful aspects of life if you make the effort to look beyond the surface.  Mr. Hayden is a great teacher and person.  His love for English and speaking is contagious and has personally inspired me to be more loving and pursue a more fulfilling life."

Thanksgiving Eve

It's Thanksgiving Eve, and I'm nestled up by the fireplace at our family's house in Lake Tahoe.  We escaped here for five days with our girls, my Mom, and my Uncle.  This is the first ever Thanksgiving meal that Chad and I will prepare.  Wow, we've gotten off the hook for 15 years!

That's because traditionally, we have spent Thanksgiving in Fullerton, with the Suich family.  But, this year is different.  About 7 months ago, our family dynamic changed drastically when my Mom's marriage of 18 years ended suddenly and unexpectedly.  So, this year, we get to make new memories and start new traditions. 

It's bittersweet, and I am full of both gratitude and lingering anger.  God knows there is healing still needed in my heart, and that my holding onto resentment feels like tangible retribution even though that is not my place or right.  But tomorrow, we will sit around the table and talk about what we are thankful for.  And it is on my heart tonight to choose gratitude, even in the midst of the different and unfamiliar.     

I am grateful for my Mom.  While she isn't the only wonderful woman in my life to get that title, our relationship is deep and real and true.  She knows me inside and out, and there are no secrets between us.  That kind of vulnerability and love is rare.  Her strength inspires me, encourages me, and often sustains me.  She consistently overcomes tragedy with wisdom and grace and a bigger heart on the other side.  She is flawed but authentic.  She loves freely, without judgment, and is not afraid to risk her heart.  She's having a difficult time, but she still shows up -- ever full of love for her family and friends.

I am grateful for my beautiful girls.  This morning I woke up before Tess did, so I got out of bed and went to her room and crawled in bed with her.  I just wanted to be close to her.  I laid next to her and groggily tried to thank God for this precious gift I've been given...and I know he understands and appreciates what I cannot articulate.  The experience of having children is absolutely, mind-blowingly amazing -- far beyond what anyone described to me or could have made me understand even five years ago.  On an almost daily basis, I feel I cannot possibly deserve the beauty and magnificence of their presence in my life, to love and care for and (hopefully) guide into successful adulthood.  Tess is like the bow of a ship -- plunging me forward into motherhood, cutting through the still water or the whitecaps, whatever the weather may be.  While she shows me what is ahead, Kate is bringing up the rear -- somehow grounding me in motherhood and giving me the patience and confidence to stay the course and steer the ship, so to speak.  I've got two counting on me now, and my heart has expanded to depths previously unknown.  These girls are truly my purpose and my reason for each day and its decisions/actions. 

I am grateful for Chad.  He has endured MUCH with me over the years as I have struggled to find myself, and he continues to make me feel more loved and secure (and secure in myself) as the years go by.  Also, there is nothing like seeing your girls idolizing your husband, and falling in love with the father he has become.  I could not have hand-picked a better dad for these girls.  

I am grateful for my career.  There are many close to me who just can't understand what this piece of my life means.  I believed 15 years ago that my job at PrideStaff was intended for me, and this was re-confirmed for me 2 years ago when I returned to work after my brief hiatus as a full-time stay-at-home mom.  It is God-given -- to bless our family, to enlarge and mature me, and so that I may be a light and encouragement to others.  Mostly, I believe it's about what I get to do for others.  Many days I feel like I fail miserably at living out this "calling" (for lack of a better word...it's late) but I never feel like the investment I make there is without significant return.  At my best, I can teach people some things and make them feel valued; at my worst, I try to at least be authentic and learn from my mistakes, even if it's in front of others.  

I am keenly aware that I am blessed beyond measure.  I don't deserve it, knowing the depths of my heart like I do.  None of us deserve it.  But its ours, anyway...and so when I catch myself in awe of what has been entrusted to me, I am tempted to feel anxious but instead focus on gratitude.  Help me, God, to be a good steward of everything you've entrusted to me.  Clearly you think I can handle it, even if I feel like I mess it up a lot of the time.  Thank you for your belief in me.  Please continue to make me humble, mindful, grateful, and full of love for you and yours.  

Thoughts On Hospitality

Life as I know it these days constantly prevents me from doing what I wish I could be doing.  As a task-oriented, unwillingly-reformed perfectionist, I'm not talking about lying on a beach somewhere.  In all honestly, I very quickly go nuts when I can't be crossing items off some kind of list.  And by nuts I mean irritable, resentful, and withdrawn from people and the world in general.  So while I have been thinking the past few weeks about what love looks like, I've still been a servant of my to-do lists.  Why? Because it's what I know...productivity and achievement.  It feels GOOD because it's tangible.  And, if I'm honest, it saves me from going outside my comfort zone when I really just don't want to.  There is so much going on inside my comfort zone that I can't really get excited about what's not right in front of me! 

 

And then, in church, I was struck again...I don't even remember how it came to mind, but I was led to two passages that admonished me -- I am not meant to live this life inside myself (my own ambitions and goals, my own agenda, my own fears and insecurities), or inside my house (trying to keep it perfect), or inside my immediate family (keeping my emotional distance from the people God has put in my life).  When all is said and done, what point is there in having a clean house when you're not sharing your life with anyone? Or having all of your life's proverbial "ducks" in a row, but without anyone really knowing your heart or seeing any light in you?

 

Again, from the Amplified Bible...with what really applies to me in bold...

 

Romans 12:5-16 (excerpted):

"So we, numerous as we are, are one body in Christ, and individually we are parts of one another (mutually dependent on one another).  Having gifts (faculties, talents, qualities) that differ according to the grace given us, let us use them...He whose gift is practical service, let him give himself to serving; he who teaches, to his teaching; he who (encourages), to his (encouragement); he who contributes, let him do it in simplicity and liberality; he who gives and superintends, with zeal and singleness of mind; he who does acts of mercy, with genuine cheerfulness and joyful eagerness.  Let your love be sincere (a real thing)...Love one another with brotherly affection (as members of one family), giving precedence and showing honor to one another...Contribute to the needs of God's people (sharing in the necessities of the saints); pursue the practice of hospitality...Rejoice with those who rejoice (sharing others' joy) and weep with those who weep (sharing others' grief).  Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to (people, things) and give yourself to humble tasks.  Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits."

 

1 Peter 4:8-11 (excerpted):

"Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins (forgives and disregards the offenses of others).  Practice hospitality to one another....Be hospitable, be a lover of strangers, with brotherly affection for the unknown guests, the foreigners, the poor, and all others who come your way who are of Christ's body.  And in each instance do it ungrudgingly (cordially and graciously, without complaining...).  As each of you has received a gift (a particular spiritual talent, a gracious divine endowment), employ it for one another as befits good trustees of God's many-sided grace (faithful stewards of the extremely diverse powers and gifts granted to Christians by unmerited favor).  Whoever speaks, let him do it as one who utters oracles of God; whoever renders service, let him do it as with the strength which God furnishes abundantly, so that in all things God may be glorified..."

 

What I need to be better at:

--Flexibility; that is, not getting bent out of shape when my day's (or week's) agenda is derailed by the needs of others

--Practicing hospitality of heart...not just opening my home, but being willing to share with others in need of light, encouragement, hope, etc.

--Not using hospitality of home as an excuse to serve my to-do list (I have people coming over so I get to be a cleaning tyrant [at the expense of my family]!)

--Relying on others, and being available for others to rely on me (using the gifts I have been given)

--Genuinely connecting with people even when I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide
--Doing all of this "with the strength which God furnishes abundantly," instead of only relying on my limited and self-serving supply

Hospitality is the word that keeps ringing in my ears.  As I finish this post, I'm reminded that one of the blogs I follow, "The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking," is running a 30-day series on hospitality.  I've been reading it with pangs of guilt that I am so wrapped up in my own stuff, all the time, that I don't do much of anything hospitable -- often because I won't be able to make it "perfect" -- when sometimes the simplest gestures will speak volumes to others.  And in the last few days I have really felt compelled to open my home (and my heart) more.  Maybe that's what inspired these thoughts...

Pardon me while I cross "post to the blog" off my list and get busy working on these re-discovered truths...God knows I am a work in progress!

 

Goodbye Aunt Mary Jane

Randy and MJ at their 50th wedding
anniversary celebration in June. 
 She still fit into her wedding dress!

I wasn't sure what I wanted to say about this sad news, if anything, but then I remembered that (hopefully) Tess will read this someday. So, with that in mind, here is a small tribute to a woman whose presence in this world was truly "larger than life."

My dear Aunt Mary Jane Watson passed away on November 5th. It was somewhat of a surprise and thus it has felt like a shock to our family. About a year ago she was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her pancreas, which was successfully removed, and then she completed a course of chemotherapy. By the time of her 50th wedding anniversary with my Uncle Randy this past summer, we all thought she was "in the clear" and the family celebration was such a time of rejoicing. Then we got word in mid-September that the cancer had returned....and by mid-October she was headed toward in-home hospice. The end came so quickly, and yet she survived pancreatic cancer longer than most do. This isn't the place to talk about how purely evil cancer is, although that has been top of mind for me lately since many people I know are fighting it in some form. Instead I want to share who Mary Jane was.

Aunt MJ is in so many of my childhood memories; it feels like she was essentially the backbone at any Watson family get-together. She made sure people were fed and comfortable and happy. Her amazing bean dip and her famous cranberry pudding (served during the holidays) sustained us as we talked, sang, and played together. I loved visiting their home when I was little. Downstairs there was a room with a computer (we didn't have one) where my boy cousins (her sons) taught me how to play "Spy Hunter," my first-ever video game. In their living room, we spent many Christmases with far-away family who had come to visit (often my beloved girl cousins), opening presents around the large tree. And thoughts of MJ will always remind me of her beloved four-legged companions: first there was Bitsy, then Biscuit, and finally Sarge. These dogs were devoted to her on a level I haven't seen with anyone else, and the feeling was definitely mutual.

In most of my memories of Aunt Mary Jane, she is standing at her sink (like most homes, her kitchen was the "hub" of all family gatherings) or working in someone else's kitchen. She was the person who gave it her all behind the scenes, was constantly working on behalf of other people, and did it quietly, not expecting recognition. Even as recently as my baby shower a couple of years ago, she came up to Reedley from Thousand Oaks and spent the entire event helping "backstage" when she had not been asked or expected to do so. As much as I would have enjoyed having her in the audience, playing the games and watching the gifts being opened, it's not who she was. No -- she was a servant, in the highest sense of the word.



MJ the award-winning equestrian.

While for me the essence of MJ was tied up in her homemaking and caring for her immediate and extended family, those outside our family knew her as an accomplished equestrian and a regular on horse show circuit in Southern California. In her kitchen, one whole wall was devoted to MJ's blue ribbons from horse shows -- but her awards were not something she ever bragged about, because for her it was more about her love for horses. She was a long-standing board member at the Tri-Valley Horse Show Associaton and could most often be found at the "ranch" where she kept her horses and taught riding lessons. Her presence within the TVHSA was so deeply rooted, and she was so beloved by her friends and "horse family," that the organization is developing a special tribute in her honor. Titled "Devotion," the bronze statue pictured below (still in the works) will be a "traveling trophy" awarded for sportsmanship.



"Devotion"



My cousin Valerie also wrote a wonderful tribute to MJ on her blog, and I love this piece of it: "My Aunt Mary Jane is one of the strongest people I know, she doesn't take crap from anyone. She speaks up for herself and for others, speaking the truth in wisdom. She loves deeply and takes care of the people around her. She is practical and hard-working, doing whatever it takes to get the job done. She is welcoming and hospitable, opening her arms and home to friends and strangers. She is humble, never seeking praise for the work of her hands, but always doing the grunt work that no one else wants to do. She is orderly, keeping track of dates and deadlines, and making sure everything is in its proper place. She values the important things in life, and doesn't worry about things that don't really matter. She lets you know when you're being ridiculous, and scolds you when you're being really ridiculous. She is an excellent listener, giving advice and encouragement. My Aunt Mary Jane is one of the best people you could ever meet and I will miss her greatly!"

With one of her beloved horses,
"My Provider."

Last week, the whole Watson family (minus a few in other states who have small children and couldn't travel) gathered at Randy and Mary Jane's for Thanksgiving. While it was a wonderful meal, it was also bittersweet. For me, her absence engulfed the day, and despite feeling her in every room and seeing her things all over the house, she was just...not there. I have lost loved ones before, but as I get older (and since becoming a parent)  it seems that I feel things much more deeply. And this just feels like such a dramatic loss to our family -- not that any of us is more important than any other, but my heart just aches for the gaping hole that is left behind. There is a giant chasm where MJ used to be. She was such a strong woman, with such a quiet yet formidable presence, that it's incomprehensible to me she is not coming back. In a sense it feels like she is on an extended vacation or surely that she is alive and well in some other part of the world, but instead she has physically just vanished. I am filled with sadness for her husband, her sons and daughters-in-law, and her grandchildren especially.

What can possibly fill the gigantic void that her departure leaves? Hope. As big as the loss is, so is the knowledge that she IS alive and well, in a place where she is getting to be exactly what God initially intended for her to be, and that we will see her again someday. Our family will be reunited in its entirety, in a new place where things like cancer and physical death and separation don't exist and can't even be remembered. Shortly after MJ realized that she would not recover from her illness, she picked out these verses to meditate on, and shared them with her family and friends. They were also read at her memorial service:

Uncle Randy didn't know when
this photo was taken but it looks
very recent.

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.  Therefore encourage one another with these words." ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

I'm so  grateful for the last visit we had with Aunt Mary Jane in late September. She got to spend time with Tess, and I got to hug her and tell her that I love her.  Saying she was a wonderful person to know can't possibly do justice to her. And so I hope that anyone who reads this will feel like they know her a little bit, too, and will see a glimpse the amazing person that she was.

Firefighters Creating Memories

Last night I had my second experience with the "Firefighters Creating Memories" program at the Big Fresno Fair, sponsored by the Fresno Fire Department. Junior League has partnered with the Fire Department to participate in this program since 1999, and it's events like this that remind me why I chose to join JLF.

What is FFCM? Basically, families with special-needs kids are selected to have an all-expenses paid day at the fair with the assistance of firefighters and local volunteers. The Junior Leaguers (and any other volunteers participating in this program) are on hand to carry bags, push strollers or wheelchairs, run food errands, care for kiddos, and even provide moral support and encouragement to siblings, parents, and grandparents who are along for the experience. The firefighters do the real work -- helping carry and lift handicapped children onto the rides and around the park, and assisting with any unexpected medical issues that might occur.

This year's FFCM was so different for me than the last time I participated. This time I have a child of my own, and I know how rewarding it is to see your little one having fun and just getting to be a kid. I also know, as a mother, how worried I would be if my child had health issues that made something as simple as going to the fair a complicated, logistically-challenged outing. I stood and watched as firefighters Mark and Evan helped carry 9-year old Caleb onto his first ride last night; Mom was worried it would be too fast for him. We watched together as the ride went round and round, and it seemed like every time Caleb passed us his smile was even bigger. I thought that if I was her, I would be thinking that the best buddy to have on that ride with my special-needs son is a trained emergency responder! She teared up, and I could tell it was because she was relieved that her boy was both happy AND safe. I teared up, too, because I felt really privileged to be witnessing something so incredibly simple but yet so very generous. In that moment I remembered that we can't take anything in life for granted.

The family also had a 5-year old girl, Faith, who is a bundle of energy BEFORE eating an entire bag of cotton candy. I had a great time chasing after her (post-cotton candy: it was quite a chore!) and keeping her occupied while the men in uniform tended to her brother. Mom and Dad also had the opportunity to spend about half an hour on their own while we let the kids play games and go on rides. Faith "won" several goldfish and a bag full of stuffed animals, and the firefighters made sure Caleb had every opportunity to ride, play games, eat, and score prizes and treats of his own.

The Firefighters Creating Memories program was started in 1994 and has helped more than 1,000 family members and about 300 mentally or physically challenged children. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to take a break from the busy-ness of life to help this family, to experience such selfless giving, and to remember what's truly important.



The fire crew: Chief Tobias, Evan, Jeff, Phil, and Mark.  With kiddos Caleb and Faith.



Finding Refuge

This little sign that I made sits on our dining room table.  I had every intention of changing the message every week ~ a scripture, inspirational quote, etc.  Well, it hasn't changed since January... and thus, the message has sortof faded into the background of household miscellanea.  Until today, when I realized what it does NOT say:

It does not say:

• "Let all who take refuge in HOUSEWORK be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in THEIR TO-DO LIST be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in PRODUCTIVITY be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in DIET and EXERCISE be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in BEING SKINNY be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in SHOPPING be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in TELEVISION be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in FACEBOOK or PINTEREST be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in COFFEE be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in WINE be glad."
• "Let all who take refuge in WHINE be glad!"

Insert your own substitute, but, as I continually re-discover, none of these things are the TRUE source of gladness (or even stress relief) in my life.  There is only one true Source of joy and peace, and it is in being in the presence of the Divine! So, I'm not changing the sign just yet.... since I continue to need this lesson on a daily basis!

BSF With Tess

One of the really great things I've been able to do since I stopped working full-time is to attend BSF classes on Wednesdays (we meet from 9:00-11:00 at New Covenant Community Church).  BSF is Bible Study Fellowship -- something I've always been interested in but just couldn't fit into my schedule.  What I appreciate about BSF is the structure and depth it provides in studying the Bible.  Not everyone likes such "rigidity" (this is what people who don't like structure call structure) but I really thrive on having a specific plan to follow (and I won't lie; I get to use highlighters and take notes, just like in school -- and I'm a huge nerd in that way).  Here's a quick copy/paste of how it works:

The BSF systemThe BSF system of Bible study is highly organized and disciplined, and uses the technique of exegesis for expository study of the scriptures. BSF holds classes for men, women, children and young adults in 35 countries (2006). There are nearly 1000 classes worldwide. Classes for adult men and women are single-sex, though classes for children (toddlers and infants in Day Women's classes, and for Grades 1-12 in Evening Men's and Women's classes) and young adults (aged 18–35) are not. Each study lasts for approximately nine months, and over a eight-year cycle BSF classes cover Genesis, Romans, Matthew, Life of Moses, John, Isaiah, Israel and the Minor Prophets, and Acts of the Apostles. The BSF system involves four elements; daily questions to encourage personal Bible study, discussion groups (of up to 15 people) for sharing of personal answers to questions, a lecture by the class Teaching Leader covering the past week’s scripture with applications for daily living, and finally a set of notes reinforcing lessons from the previous week (plus a new set of questions for the week ahead). BSF classes and materials are provided free of charge.

Baby girl's BSF nametag.

I came into this year's class (Acts of the Apostles) a few months late, but I still have had a wonderful experience digging into the weekly lessons and getting to know the gals in my discussion group.  But what's been MOST exciting and rewarding about BSF is the opportunity for Tess to participate.  The children's program is phenomenal, and is designed to follow and complement the adult program.  In other words, the kids are learning the same lessons as the grownups, but in kid-sized chunks.  The organization also provides tools for parents to discuss and apply the week's lesson at home with the entire family.  I got to experience the children's classes first hand last month when I was assigned to help with the 2-year-olds.  I was extremely blessed and encouraged by what I saw, and so I'm really thrilled about the idea of Tess growing up in the BSF program.

This year's class finishes up May 23rd and we break for the Summer, then resume in September.  Next year we're studying Genesis!

 

Frog & Toad....aka Chad & Sarah

Years ago, a dear friend turned me on to the childrens' stories about Frog and Toad. If you haven't read them, they are so fun. The other day I pulled out my Frog and Toad Are Friends book to read to Tess, and was stunned at the realization as I read through the short stories: Chad is Frog and I am Toad.  Those of you who know Frog and Toad will understand the slight feeling of dismay that arose in me, realizing just how much like Toad I can be.  To sum it up for you, Toad is neurotic and irritable.  High strung and high maintenance.  Worried about appearances and worried about things that may never happen. 

And then there is Frog -- Toad's faithful friend, always the voice of reason, always willing to indulge Toad in his neuroses, always putting up with Toad's antics....until it's time to gently and kindly remind him of what's real and what's important.  Frog is happy and easygoing and loved by everyone.

In almost every Frog and Toad story in my book, I could see evidence of Chad's and my very distinct personalities.  It was quite comical and a wonderful reminder that it's our differences that make us such a great team. 

Here's a short one that's a favorite of mine.  How sweet of Frog to chase after Toad's list!  I'm so much like Toad, living and dying by my to-do lists, and even writing things down just so I can cross them off!

The List...

One morning Toad sat in the bed. “I have many things to do,” he said.“I will write them all down on a list so that I can remember them.” Toad wrote down on a piece of paper:

A List of things to do today

Then he wrote: Wake up

“I have done that,” said Toad and he crossed out: Wake Up

Then Toad wrote other things on the paper.

Eat Breakfast

Get dressed

Go to Frog’s house
Take walk with Frog

Eat lunch

Take nap

Play game with Frog

Eat supper

Go to sleep

“There ,” said Toad. “Now my day is all written down.” He got out of bed and had something to eat.  Then Toad crossed out: Eat Breakfast.

Toad took his clothes out of the closet and put them on. Then he crossed out: Get dressed.

Toad put the list in his pocket. He opened the door and walked out into the morning. Soon Toad was at Frog’s front door. He took the list from his pocket and crossed out: Go to Frog’s house.

Toad knocked at the door. “Hello,” said Frog. “Look at my list of things to do,” said Toad. “Oh,” said Frog, “that is very nice.” Toad said, “My list tells me that we will go for a walk.” “All right,” said Frog. “I am ready.”

Frog and Toad went on a long walk. Then Toad took the list from his pocket again. He crossed out: Take walk with Frog. Just then there was a strong wind. It blew the list out of Toad’s hand. The list blew high up into the air. “Help!” cried Toad. “My list is blowing away. What will I do without my list?”

“Hurry!” said Frog. “We will run and catch it.” “No!” shouted Toad. “I cannot do that.” “Why not?” asked Frog. “Because,” wailed Toad, “running after my list in not one of the things that I wrote on my list of things to do!”

Frog ran after the list. He ran over hills and swamps, but the list blew on and on. At last Frog came back to Toad. “I am sorry,” gasped Frog, “but I could not catch your list.”

“Blah,” said Toad.”I cannot remember any of the things that were on my list of things to do. I will just have to sit here and do nothing,” said Toad. Toad sat and did nothing. Frog sat with him. After a long time Frog said, “Toad, it is getting dark. We should be going to sleep now.”

“Go to sleep!” shouted Toad. “That was the last thing on my list!” Toad wrote on the ground with a stick: Go to sleep. Then he crossed out: Go to sleep. “There,” said Toad. “Now my day is all crossed out!” “I am glad,” said Frog.

Then Frog and Toad went right to sleep.

A Day In The Life Of Mommy

Ever since I posted about "A Day In The Life of Tess" (which was really just pictures), I've been meaning to do a similar post about my "new life."  I've actually had a few people ask me, "So what do you do all day?" and I've realized how naive I had been -- and most people are -- about all that does not get done when you are a stay-at-home mom.  I'd like to preface the below by clarifying that I am not complaining; I'm just taking my time getting to the point. 

It's true that I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to quit my full-time job to work at Tess Staff.  (Heck, I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to have a baby!) I have friends who are SAHMs (stay-at-home moms), and I always thought they made it look so glamorous -- the key words being "made it look."  I had the idea that by the time Tess was 6 months old, I would have accomplished the following:

--My to-do list (even the items that have been at the bottom for more than a year) would be long-since completed, leaving me with oodles of free time to do "all the things I always wanted to do."

--My house would be spotless, from floor to ceiling, and in every nook and cranny.  I would have it SO clean that it would essentially clean itself going forward. 

--All of my possessions would be purged, organized, and catalogued as needed. 

--My garage and office would be purged, organized, and I would actually enjoy stepping out the kitchen door to admire my storage skills.

--All of my photos would be organized, put into albums, and backed up....twice.

--I would have the perfect body, naturally, since I wouldn't be working and could focus all my attention on eating healthy and working out.

--I would be a domestic goddess: cooking, crafting, sewing (I have yet to learn how) and blogging about it all.

--I would have read almost half the books on my bookshelves: classics, devotionals, self-helps, etc.

--I would have more time to be involved in Junior League, maybe even chair a committee.

--I would be the best mother, wife, daughter, and friend anyone could ask for; I'd have time to spend nurturing relationships and being what everyone wants and needs.

--And of course, none of this would be possible if I weren't the most spiritual I've ever been, fully attuned to God and ready for my holiness to overflow into the lives of everyone I come into contact with.

--Oh, and since it's not all about ME, I'd spend all day making homemade organic food, playing with/reading stories to my perfect baby, rocking her to sleep, and teaching her to adore me. 

As if it didn't sound ridiculous enough in my head, once I acknowledged it, the list above certainly deserves a hearty "LOL" for being just about as far-fetched as you can get.  If that's what I thought I signed up for, then I deserve a triple refund AND a huge reality check.  There's no way my new life is that idyllic.  Or is it?

So here's a more accurate picture of what my days look like:

--Wake up when the baby awakens and start juggling tasks and chores with baby care.

--Feed Tess breakfast, get her situated in some type of "play" scenario (swing, tummy time, etc.).

--Tidy the house from the night before.

--Change diaper, wipe up baby puke (off my clothes, off the floor, etc.), countdown to naptime. Suppress mild irritation that my day most likely will not go according to MY plan, and remember I have a beautiful, sweet, healthy, happy baby girl I get to spend my days with.  Repeat 3x.

--Morning nap, aka "the dilemma." I only have 45-90 minutes (if I'm lucky).  There is a world of possiblities available to me!  Should I....a) Bathe? (It's a right, not a privilege! Depends on what appointments are on calendar for the day.) b) Work on tidying the house, since I probably didn't finish?  c) Work on actually CLEANING the house, instead of just putting things away? d) Do laundry?  Because there's always laundry.  e) Work on something from my to-do list?  Like pay bills, schedule car maintenance, fix the laser printer that's been broken since July, etc.?  f) Work out? Because wishing for that perfect post-baby body isn't getting me anywhere. g) Eat breakfast? h) Have a quiet time/devotional? i) Do something crafty, or something else I actually want to do?  (By the time I have fretted over which of these items is feasible, or how many I can knock out at record speed, we are at least 15 minutes into nap time.  Already I'm scheming about which of these items will have to wait until the afternoon nap, assuming there are no appointments or social obligations on calendar for the day.)

--Feed Tess lunch and a bottle.

--Play time with Tess (this doesn't always happen, but it's always my intention): tummy time, story time, go for a walk, etc.

--Change diaper, wipe up baby puke (off my clothes, off the floor, etc.), countdown to naptime. Suppress mild irritation that my day most likely will not go according to MY plan, and remember I have a beautiful, sweet, healthy, happy baby girl I get to spend my days with. Repeat 3x.

--Tidy house from the morning's activities.

--Afternoon nap, aka "The Dilemma, Part 2." See a) through i) above, assuming I am not tidying house again/still.

--Give Tess her afternoon bottle.

--After naptime, keep Tess entertained (and safe) until Daddy gets home, while also attempting to tidy house (again/still) or accomplish a) through i) above.

--Change diaper, wipe up baby puke (off my clothes, off the floor, etc.), countdown to Daddy coming home to help!!! Suppress mild irritation that my day most likely will not go according to MY plan, and remember I have a beautiful, sweet, healthy, happy baby girl I get to spend my days with. Repeat 3x.

--Hand off baby to Daddy, start dinner.

--Tidy the house from the afternoon's activities. (Are you seeing a trend?)

--Feed Tess dinner and clean up.

--Countdown to bathtime, because that means bedtime follows.

--Give Tess a bath (team effort with Daddy), and hand off to Daddy for night time bottle and bedtime routine.

--Finish making dinner, put Tess to bed.

--Collapse onto couch. It's at this point I realize that I am either still in my pajamas from this morning, or am so tired I will most likely crawl into bed wearing my clothes because I'm too exhausted to change.

I was telling a friend today that just because we embrace change doesn't mean we don't have to still adjust to it. And at six months, there is still adjusting taking place -- physically (my environment AND my body), mentally (new and different challenges), emotionally (my identity has almost completely changed, it seems), and spiritually (dying to self all. the. time.).  So, I'm not going to be deceptive and make my blog look like this new life is all crafting and playdates.  This new life is not. about. me.  And if leaving my well-established, invigorating, and well-paying career was like jumping off a cliff, this adjustment time is like learning how to use my parachute.  Sometimes it's a daily struggle to not be bugged...irritated...even upset that I can't just do whatever I want, go wherever I want, whenever I want. I'm used to finding my value in what I can accomplish, buckling down and getting stuff done (nose to the grindstone-like). Now, I've had to shift from being task-oriented to relationship-oriented.  I must focus on BEING instead of DOING. 

But I love it, and I wouldn't trade it. This BEING vs. DOING -- it's been wonderful and worth the struggle to give up myself, my ideas of how I think my days need to go.  In the midst of the newness and frustrations and amazing experiences with my precious girl, there has been quiet and rest.  (How this has been possible with a new baby is a miracle in itself.) I've had time to hear myself think, listen to my heart, listen to God.  And there has been restoration of relationships. I've seen more of my family and friends that I had in years, revived important relationships that had been suffering, and found new intimacy with so many people who I now have the time to remember are terribly important to me. 

Yes, this "it's not about me anymore" is a really blessed thing, even though I push back at it on a daily basis.  So my new life doesn't LOOK like I thought it should (and most days, I'm still wishing I had it all together, tied up in a perfect bow), but it FEELS better than I ever expected.  It's hectic, it's challenging, and it's definitely changing me.  And it's a beautiful thing.

Visit To New Hope Community Church

Last Sunday, after Chad’s super-impressive Baccalaureate speech for CNHS, I told him – “You just wait! Now the word is out that you’re a talented speaker, and you’ll be getting calls to speak more.” Less than 24 hours later he received an email from a pastor who was in the audience (his daughter was one of Chad’s AP Lit students) asking him to share his Baccalaureate address at their church the following Sunday. Chad graciously accepted, and so yesterday we were happy to attend services at New Hope Community Church where Chad spoke to the graduates in the congregation during both services. Pastor Tim Rolen (what a great guy!) couldn’t say enough about how impressed he is with Chad when introducing him, and of course many people wanted to talk to Chad after the service to thank him for speaking and for making such a positive impression on the students.

The speech was just as fantastic the second time around, and maybe even moreso as he was able to add a little bit more “meat” to his message given the church setting. I was literally on the edge of my seat (again) watching him. I was so glad that both of his parents could attend, too. He is so talented, with such an amazing heart, and his words really spoke to so many people in the audience (including me!). I couldn’t be more proud of him!

I have always loved New Hope church. I had never attended a service there, but always thought it looks like the epitome of a “little country church,” complete with stained glass windows. The sanctuary is warm and inviting, as are the congregation. The sermon was encouraging and practical – “7 Ways to Know You’re Making a Good Decision.” It was such a nice visit!

Micah 6:6-8

"With what shall I come before the Lord and bow myself before God on high? Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old?

Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams or with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?"

A Healthy Baby And A Song In My Heart

The Psalm below has been on my mind all week, and today it feels like my heart is singing it loudly! This morning we had our 20-week ultrasound, and got more confirmation that our baby girl is STILL a healthy and very active little baby! It was wonderful to see her move around on screen, and watch her kick and suck on her fingers. Every time I see her, she becomes more "real" to me and I get more excited about our life together and all the love I will feel when she arrives.

Psalm 111

PRAISE THE Lord! (Hallelujah!) I will praise and give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart in the council of the upright and in the congregation. The works of the Lord are great, sought out by all those who have delight in them. His work is honorable and glorious, and His righteousness endures forever. He has made His wonderful works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious, merciful, and full of loving compassion. He has given food and provision to those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him; He will remember His covenant forever and imprint it [on His mind].... The works of His hands are [absolute] truth and justice [faithful and right]; and all His decrees and precepts are sure (fixed, established, and trustworthy). They stand fast and are established forever and ever and are done in [absolute] truth and uprightness. He has sent redemption to His people; He has commanded His covenant to be forever; holy is His name, inspiring awe, reverence, and godly fear.

(About a year ago I started reading the Amplified Bible, and it has been so wonderful to learn the scriptures in this new way. I was led to the underlined verse after my 16-week ultrasound, when we discovered we were having a girl -- He knows the desires of our hearts!)

Spiritual Truths From "The Karate Kid"

I wish I could take credit for this insight, but it was my dear friend Allison who shared this practical "spiritual object lesson" at our Sunday meeting this past weekend. Like "Daniel Son," we so easily get caught up in the routine of life's many mundane tasks (like my constant complaint that I feel like I'm always cleaning!) and forget that we are -- whether we realize it or not -- always working TO and FOR a higher purpose. Daniel was waxing cars, sanding floors, painting the fence, painting the house, and could not see the bigger picture -- that he was learning the art of karate. Everyday activities offer numerous opportunities to ensure we are equipped with the right tools, training, and mindset/focus to "run with endurance the race set before us." And let's not forget Mr. Miyagi's most important lesson -- "always look (Him) in the eye." Our focus must be upward, so that we can move onward.

"Not everything is as it seems." ~ Mr. Miyagi

"Therefore...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~ Hebrews 12:1-2

Thanksgiving Update

We made a mad dash to "The O.C." for Thanksgiving this year, leaving Thursday morning and returning home Saturday evening, to spend time with the "Fullerton Parental Unit" (aka Ron and Meg). Our holiday meal was wonderful and it wasn't just because of Ron's prowess in the kitchen! The house at Wilson Avenue was packed full of the most interesting mishmash of people, all of us grateful to be together for turkey, even if some of us had just met. There were 17 of us around the table: Ron, Meg, Dave, Chad, Sarah, Richard, Tammy, Michael, Alex, Dan, Deanna, Jim ("JB") Alan, Roger, Marguerite, Scott, and Glen. (And under the table were the pets, Molly and Jayme....)

While I can't speak for everyone, I know the reason for my gratitude -- our hosts. At the Suich household, generosity abounds, and shelter (both literal and figurative) is provided for those who are in need. Family members are chosen from the heart, not just by blood or marriage. And family members are loved and valued, affirmed and esteemed, regardless of their beliefs, economic or educational background, faults and failures, or current life circumstances. All are welcomed and all are uniquely treasured. Chad and I are continually amazed at the demonstration of gracious, Christ-like love that takes place under that roof on a daily basis. It's the "pure and undefiled religion" shown by caring for others that's talked about in James 1:27. It felt so good to be part of such a tangible expression of "the kingdom."

My highlights:
--Being reunited with my dear and sweet "nephew" Alex after 10+ years of being out of touch. He's 17 now! But he still has such a big place in my heart. See "then and now" pics below!
--Enjoying cold mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner, knowing they got that way because about 15 other people helped themselves to great food served with love!
--Skipping our usual day-after-Thanksgiving movie to stay home and do a 500-piece puzzle with family.
--Watching TONS of football.
--Stopping in Shafter on the way home to visit the beloved Becker family and our friends Jason & Stacy Coyle, who were visiting from Phoenix.

The Path To Authenticity

"Authenticity is a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all... made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturning the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are supposed to be and embrace who we are. Authenticiy demands wholehearted living and loving - even when it's hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives." ~ Brene Brown

I was talking with a girlfriend lately and she expressed concern that many of her friends are "one way" with her or their "church friends," and then sooner or later the truth comes out that they're really "another way" in their most private lives. It's a sad reality that so many of us live with duality: who we are, and who we want people to think we are.

Authenticity dies because we fear disappointing others or being judged by them. What's more valuable in today's society, or in our individual circles? Being "accepted" or being "real"? The answer may be different for each of us, and will probably determine how we present ourselves to the world. I'm not writing this to tackle the problem of judgment, which is a separate topic/epidemic, but rather the solution of authenticity. Because I believe that when we arrive at authenticity, we are content and do not need to stand in judgment of other people. We are enough.

Few are lucky and brave enough to be the same person to everyone they're in relationship/ associated with. It was a few years ago that I realized, and thankfully not too late, that I get to be ME -- who I really am -- not just who people think I am or should be. Which was quickly followed by the question, "Oh crap, who am I?" Then began the search....when you take away all the labels (daugher, wife, employee, friend, etc.), who is at the core? What does she love and what does she fear? Is she good enough? Does she love herself and believe she was created uniquely beautiful and for a specific plan and purpose? Can she accept that she is imperfect but loved unconditionally by the One who made her? I am learning that the answer is not in the destination, but in the journey. To borrow a quote, life is not about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself. We are, after all, made in the image of THE Creator.

Authenticity is found in knowing who we really are, and learning to love ourselves as we become better versions of us. To some that may sound narcissistic. But only when I understand who I really am with all of my failings and potential, and genuinely love and value myself, can I see the same value in others, truly love them, and help remind them of who they really are.

The quote above really resonates with me. There's one part that makes me uncomfortable, though, and it's the phrase "when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it." How often do we get to feel true JOY, unfettered and untainted by worry about whether it's okay or what people will think if we really let go and be who we are? Because the moments of pure joy are just that -- when you feel truly FREE to be YOU in an experience. For me, it's uncomfortable because 1) I'm still guarded and worried about what people will think, and 2) true JOY doesn't come along often enough. I'm hoping and expecting that as I continue to pursue authenticity, I will find joy along the path.

Encouragement For Today...

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

There Is A Redeemer...

I've been so amazed and encouraged lately by thoughts of our God as Creator and Redeemer. Of course the Bible is full of verses that describe God's work of creation and restoration, and one could get seriously overwhelmed trying to locate and list them all....

This revelation comes on the heels of complaining about the issue of "entropy" or "things fall apart." I told someone several weeks ago, "Life just feels like a constant cycle of making messes and having to clean them up." I was referring to housekeeping, sure, but also the figurative messes that we make of life when we're not careful. I think I was also feeling sorry for myself.

But then something happened involving an email from a long-lost family member (it's a story too involved to tell here), and it prompted a shift in perspective. These words have been on my heart the past few weeks: create, transform, restore, renew, and redeem. Also the song in my heart has been "There is a Redeemer, Jesus God's own son...”

It's happening all around me, all the time, whether I'm seeing it or not.

God creates -- whether from nothing (Genesis 1:1), or from what has been damaged or broken (he restores, renews, and redeems). He can't stop creating/ redeeming, and He can't NOT be engaged in this process at all times, because it's at the core of who He is. And when we attach ourselves to Him, we automatically become part of the creation and redemption process. When we open our eyes and our hearts to really SEE this work going on, we can find it everywhere. I can't even begin to list the examples so evident in my own life, but I'm in awe when I think about all the ways that things/ circumstances/ people -- and even my own heart -- are being transformed.

Well, I could go on, but.... Here are some quick verses that come to mind. May our eyes continue to be opened to the creation and redemption happening all around us, all the time!

"It is I who made the earth, and created man upon it. I stretched out the heavens with My hands, and I ordained all their host." Isaiah 45:12
"I will redeem you with an outstretched arm." Exodus 6:6
"I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten." Joel 2:25
"Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth!" Isaiah 43:19
"He restores my soul." Psalm 23:3